Weddings as transition points

I have just returned from a remarkable trip to India, where I had the good fortune to attend my friend’s wedding.  It was remarkable for so many reasons, but I want to pay particular attention today to the transition that was and is taking place for the bride.  

Until now, Ishha has lived at home with her parents.  So not only is she gaining a husband, but she is also gaining a new home and a new way of life.

She isn’t losing the love of her family by any means, but she won’t be with them in the same way that she has been until now.  That’s going to be a wrench.  She’s already figured out how she is going to replace her Mum’s cooking – by ordering prepared food online!  But I wonder what else she feels like she is leaving behind?  And how is she (and her husband) going to make sense of all the newness of married life?  Managing the couple’s finances, furnishing their home, figuring out transport arrangements from the new location etc – these are all transactional things that need to be figured out…but what about the psychological transition underneath all of this that will enable the couple to grow together through this life stage?

These are some questions for Ishha – and any new bride and groom – to ponder, around the ending, the neutral zone and the beginning.  Lots to consider on honeymoon (or perhaps she’ll be too busy then!)

Ending:

• What is different now that you are married?
• When you got married, what did you have to give up/lose?
• What do you miss since you got married?
• How are you feeling?
• What can be taken back to balance what has been taken away?
• What is over?
• What is not over?
• What do you assume that you need to let go of?  Is that assumption correct?
• What will you take with you from your past, on your journey to the future?
• What do you gain by travelling to this new future?
• What’s the value of this new future to you?
• Who/what do you want to say good-bye to?
• Who do you want to thank?
• If you had to put a title to the chapter of your life that is drawing to a close, what would it be?
• And what is the title of the next chapter of your life?

Neutral Zone

 

• How can you build your energy for the new beginning, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and administratively?
• What attitudes, outlook, values, self-image, ways of working and thinking that were previously functional need to shift for the next chapter of your life to be a success?
• What has worked well and how might you build on that?
• What has not worked well and what do you need to do to end or change this?
• What is in your circle of concern right now?  What is in your circle of influence?
• What kind of short-term goals do you need?  Are those goals and targets realistic for this neutral zone?
• What/who do you need to help you feel connected?
• What opportunities are you seeing now?
• What processes do you need to redesign?
• What structures can you put in place to help you in the future?
• What is trying to happen?
• What is your mood?

Beginning

 

• What is your autobiography to date?  What have you learned?
• What do you really want?
• If your life ended today, what would be unlived?
• If you knew you are going to be really successful, what do you want to have achieved by…?  How will you know?  How will you phase that outcome? What is your step-by-step plan?
• How will you contribute?
• What can you do now to stop getting ready and to act?
• What is it going to feel like when you have actually done x?
• What obstacles do you need to overcome?
• What can you do to support yourself, be gentle on yourself, give yourself time for indulgences?
• What puzzling or unusual things are happening?

Credits to Diane Clutterbuck, William Bridges, Judy Oliver